


call out my name (you'll only hear an echo)

by Bekka911



Series: i loved you too much [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Bisexual Jace Wayland, Daylighter Simon Lewis, Hurt Simon Lewis, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Sorry, Insecure Simon Lewis, M/M, Protective Jace Wayland, Simon Lewis Needs a Hug, Supportive Jace Wayland, it hurts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-08
Updated: 2019-08-08
Packaged: 2020-08-13 07:00:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20170081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bekka911/pseuds/Bekka911
Summary: Simon isn't adjusting well to being a vampire. Enter Jace, who makes everything worse before he makes it better





	call out my name (you'll only hear an echo)

**Author's Note:**

> First Shadowhunters fanfic :)  
let me know what you think

His phone rang.

Simon rolled his head and stared at it dully as it vibrated away on the bedside table. He felt no inclination whatsoever to pick it up and answer it. It was probably Clary calling, again, to check up on him. The stab of guilt hurt as much as it had before, but Simon just couldn’t bring himself to answer the phone and _talk_.

Eventually the phone stopped and Simon let out a breath. Clary never called back right away and so he had an hour or so grace period before he would have to endure another missed call and another flash of guilt.

Except the phone rang again straight away, and Simon frowned. It couldn’t be Clary then. He let the phone ring out, hoping that would be the last of it. He really just wanted to sleep for a little while.

The phone rang a third time.

Grudgingly curious and slightly annoyed, Simon reached over and snatched up the device, answering without glancing at the screen.

“Hello?” He mumbled, rubbing at his face with his other hand. Damn, people were too much work. He just wanted to be left alone.

“Hello vampire!” Jace’s voice was falsely cheerful. Simon stared at the roof in surprise. _Jace_ had called him? “Anyway,” the Shadowhunter continued, “Clary wasn’t sure you were alive because you were ignoring her calls and she didn’t think to just come around to your place so I’m calling to make sure you aren’t dust. I know you’re alive because I can hear you breathing; breathing’s a little redundant isn’t it? I mean, you’re dead so-”

Simon hung up.

Immediately, the phone vibrated in his hands and Jace’s name appeared on the screen. Simon’s lips pulled back from his teeth in a snarl, and he sat up and threw the phone at the wall, relishing in the sound of it breaking. Vampire strength had some positives then.

He laid back down, taking deep breaths to try and suffocate the writhing anger in his veins. He just didn’t get it - why couldn’t they _leave him alone_? He’d made it clear he didn’t want to be around them. He’d made it clear that he didn’t want _them_ around _him_. He just wanted to be left alone for a while.

_He just wanted to be alone._

He closed his eyes and tried to relax his body. He was tired, but he knew he wouldn’t sleep. He let his mind sink in on itself, and he existed for a while without being present in his own body. It was a meditation technique he’d learned when he was younger, after his dad had died and he’d been a mess of anger and blame and devastation.

He was thrown from his peace when he heard his front door open. He’d locked it to keep people out, so it must have been a rune that opened it. His eyes flashed. _Jace._

He blurred out to the front room just in time to see Jace shut the door and shove his stele back in his pocket, a self-satisfied smirk on his face. The Shadowhunter had no warning before Simon let out a low snarl and pushed him into a wall. _“What are you doing here?”_ He hissed sharply, digging his forearm into Jace’s throat.

Jace didn’t seem fazed. “Clary insisted someone come check on you. She thought that since you answered the phone for me, you might open the front door for me as well.”

_Clary_. Of course. Simon drew his arm back and stepped away, shaking his head and scoffing bitterly. “Go away, Jace.” 

Jace sort of stared at him. Simon didn’t bother staring back, just wrapped his arms around himself and glared down at the ground. Didn’t these people understand? He wanted to be left alone, and he was sick of being considered weak. He hated that they thought he needed some babysitter because he was _Simon._

Jace still hadn’t moved, and Simon raised his head and growled lowly. “Go _away_, Jace.”

The Shadowhunter crossed his arms. “No.” There was a look in his eyes that Simon hadn’t seen directed at him before. It was the look Jace gave Clary, or Alec, or Izzy. Not Simon. Never Simon. Jace was never concerned or worried about _Simon_.

It made Simon’s chest hot with rage, and without thinking he snapped his fangs down and bared his teeth threateningly. _“Go away.”_

Immediately Jace was raising his hands slowly, his lips turned down. “Simon,” he said quietly, carefully. “Come back. I’m not a threat to you.”

Memories of feeding on Jace dashed through Simon’s head and he immediately withdrew his fangs and shut his mouth. Horror filled him, horror at the fact that he was _threatening Jace_. Horror that he was so _hungry_. Horror that he was a vampire and he shouldn’t even be alive right now.

Horror at what he was becoming.

He stumbled back another few steps, and Jace followed, reaching forward and drawing his sleeve up. “Damn it Simon,” Jace huffed, trying to shove his arm in front of the vampire's face. “You haven’t been feeding, have you?”

Simon stared at Jace’s arm, littered with runes and scars, and he remembered. _“I could have killed you,”_ he’d said to Jace on the boat.

Jace had said, _“I would have let you.”_

Now, though, now was different. Simon had already hurt people he cared for, and already become twisted inside. He wouldn’t kill Jace. He wouldn’t let himself ever come close to killing Jace. Not when Jace had protected him. Not when Clary loved him. Not when Jace had people who cared about him.

Simon wouldn’t take that away. “No,” he said firmly, smacking Jace’s arm away. “No, I’d rather die than drink from you again.”

Jace raised an eyebrow. “You’re dead already.”

“You don’t _get it_,” Simon said, waving his hands wildly. Old pain was rising in him, pain that swallowed the burning anger and left him feeling cold and drained and hollow. “I could have killed you last time, and I _know_ you don’t care about that but I do! How would I have felt, telling Clary that I killed you? Alec would kill me on site! _I_ would kill me!”

“Simon-”

“I know you guys hate that I’m a vampire, and I hate it to, but you hated me as a mundane too.” Simon was pacing now, all his hurt spilling out as he said the things he’d been thinking ever since Clary had looked freaked at the club. This wasn’t his world, vampire or no. “I know that you guys tolerate me because of Clary, and I know I’m annoying and that I talk too much and I have no filter and I know that I’m dorky and a _vampire_ and _I’m sorry!”_

Jace looked pained now. “Simon.”

Simon backed up another step, terror lashing through him. “I’m going to hurt you,” he breathed, looking at Jace with wild eyes. “I can’t-I-”

“_Simon_,” Jace said and reached forward. Simon shrank away, but Jace was insistent and Simon had no chance to run away as Jace’s arms wrapped around his neck and pulled him into a tight hug.

Simon froze.

Jace was pressed up against him, and Simon could hear the shadowhunter’s heart beating frantically. Simon could feel the warmth leaking from Jace’s body. Warmth meant _blood_. 

“Let go Jace,” Simon said, voice guttural. He was hungry, so hungry, and Jace’s blood tasted good but he _couldn’t_. “Jace, I’m going to hurt you.”

Jace just held on tighter, his words muffled against Simon’s cotton shirt. “I trust you.”

_“I’m not going to kill you Jace!”_

Simon ripped away from the Shadowhunter, breathing heavily. He didn’t even need to breathe, but Simon was panting now. The room felt small, like the walls were pressing in. “Simon,” Jace said slowly. “You need to have blood. You won’t kill me, but you _need_ to feed.”

“Not on you,” Simon said with a trembling voice. “Jace, please, _not on you_.”

Jace just held out his forearm steadily, eyes clear and determined. Simon could see the panic behind the focus, could see the uncertainty and concern and _fear_ that haunted Jace from the inside and he felt like he was going to cry. 

“You have to feed,” Jace repeated strongly. “Simon, I trust you. I do. I don’t know when or how, but I know you won’t hurt me. This is me trying to save a friend, not sacrifice myself. Please. I won’t let you starve.”

Simon stared at him, and knew that Jace wasn’t lying. The Shadowhunter really wanted this, was earnest in calling a vampire _friend_. 

It was enough.

His fangs slid down and he grabbed Jace’s wrist, burying his teeth into the soft skin and sucking in the blood. It tasted _good_, and Simon pulled more into his mouth greedily. For a moment, everything fell away and he could only focus on the blood coming in. It soothed him and energised him and-

And he was drinking from _Jace_.

Immediately he wheeled back and wiped at his mouth. Jace was swaying, a dazed look on his face as blood smeared his arm. Simon felt sick, sick and _full_, and he stumbled back until he pressed against the wall. Hot tears bubbled at the back of his eyes, and his throat felt tight.

“How could you let me do that?” He cried, distraught. “You _hate_ me, Jace! I could have _killed you_!”

Jace mumbled something, shaking off the pleasant daze and pulling out his stele to give himself an _iratze_. Simon watched the wounds seal and covered his mouth, wishing he could take the blood back out and starve to death instead.

Jace looked up at him and his eyes widened at the tears that crawled down Simon’s cheeks, the pure terror and horror plastered on the vampire’s face. “Simon,” he said carefully. “I’m okay. You didn’t kill me.”

“I’m a monster,” Simon told him wildly, feeling panic and fear pound through him - as fresh and hot as Jace’s blood.

Jace tried to touch him, but Simon shrank back. This was why he’d wanted to be alone, to be left alone. He wasn’t _Simon anymore_, he was a vampire and that means that a Shadowhunter had to kill him. _Jace_ had to kill him. 

“You’re okay, Simon,” Jace said frantically, something akin to heartbreak plastered on his face. “Simon, _I’m_ okay. Everything is fine.”

Everything was _not_ okay. Simon couldn’t even be trusted around his friends. Jace had come to make sure Simon was okay, and Simon had repaid him by attacking him and then biting him. “Jace,” he gasped, holding out his shaking hands. Without hesitation, Jace grabbed his outstretched palm and laced their fingers together. “Jace, you have to kill me.”

Jace shook his head. “No.”

“Jace _please_. I hurt you!”

“I _let_ you hurt me.” Jace’s grip tightened. The shadowhunter’s eyes were loving and kind and earnest. “Simon, being a vampire doesn’t make you a monster.”

Simon wished he could believe that, he really did. But even _Clary_ didn’t look at him the same. He’d almost had to say goodbye to his mother and sister because of this. As it was, it was thanks to Jace he could walk in daylight. His world was in tatters. 

“You don’t see the way you all look at me sometimes,” he said sadly, his frantic panic dying off to a very hollow, very empty sort of acceptance. “You think that I should be dead, I know it. You think that I should’ve just stayed dead and not been revived as a vampire. I know disgust when I see it, Jace, and I see it on all of your faces throughout the day.”

Jace spluttered weakly. “We don’t-”

“You do,” Simon said tiredly, a small smile breaking out across his face as he squeezed Jace’s hand. “But it’s okay.”

“Simon, _listen_-”

“I was going to do it when the sunlight still killed me,” Simon continued, ignoring Jace’s pleading calls of his name. “But then the whole Valentine boat thing was happening and I just couldn’t bring myself to leave Clary like that. But I’ve watched her. She’ll be okay without me.”

“I won’t.” Jace’s voice is strangled and thin, and when Simon looks up he’s surprised to see that Jace’s face is scrunched up in pain. “I won’t be okay without you.”

Simon shook his head. “You tolerate me for Clary. You don’t have to coddle me through this Jace, it’s okay.”

Jace made a frustrated sound before pulling harshly on Simon’s hand. The vampire stumbled forward, surprised, and took a breath to ask Jace what the hell was happening, except he couldn’t make the words form because he was being _kissed_.

Jace kissed like he fought - wild and graceful and with his heart. Simon couldn’t help but kiss back, because this was Jace and that explained everything and more. There was a desperation in the kiss between them, a _‘please don’t leave me’_ that tugged at his unbeating heart. Jace kissed him until even Simon was feeling light-headed, and then the shadowhunter pulled back.

“I won’t be okay without you,” Jace repeated in a gasp, and Simon believed him. 

“Okay,” he said gently, because he thought he could stay and be okay so long as Jace was beside him. “_Okay_, Jace.”

Jace drew him into another kiss, this one softer than before. It was a thank you and an _‘I love you’_ and Simon felt more tears slide down his face. This kind of love was rare, he thought, because he’d never felt this _safe_ before.

Jace pulled back again and leaned his forehead against Simon’s. “You don’t leave me,” he whispered firmly. “And you aren’t a monster. Not to me.”

Simon’s lips curved into a grin. “Alec is going to kill me.”

“Not after all my hard work,” Jace huffed and stole another quick kiss. “We’ll take it slow, okay?”

“Okay,” Simon agreed easily, then frowned slightly as he tasted blood in the back of his throat. “But I’m not feeding from you again. I don’t think I can take that.”

“Okay,” Jace said. “That’s okay.”

They were okay. Simon was okay.

It was okay.


End file.
